(phone rings 3-4 times before being answered)
God: Hello?
Tommy Tuberville: It’s me.
God: Tommy, how are you, you old cur dog?
TT: (long ragged sigh) I’ll survive, I guess.
God: You still driving that old beater truck? Man, the times we had in that thing – remember when we were cruising down the interstate, with Jason Campbell and Bo Jackson in the back, sitting on a cooler of Dixie, and Bo offered one to that State Trooper that went past? That was hilarious….
TT: Maybe for you. I had to pay that stupid ticket. But that’s not what I called about –
God: Remember when we were at that riverboat casino in Biloxi, and you held on 16? And you call yourself a gambler! (Chuckles)
TT: Yeah, I was kinda hoping you would help me out on that one, you know.
God: You know I couldn’t – it ruins the fun of it. Anyway, what’s up?
TT: You know, the usual. Just down a little….
God: Still feeling underappreciated? Tommy, you gotta let the whole plane and Petrino thing go. You got a huge raise out of it, as I recall. Forgive and forget, that’s what I always say – that is unless I am raining down some hellfire on ‘em, eh, eh Tommy? (More chuckling)
TT: Well yeah, except I haven’t had any hellfire to rain down lately. Brandon Cox rained down hell-fire like damned Mother Theresa. And now everyone’s turning on me because that bastard in Tuscaloosa recruited some talent.
God: Yeah, the Nicktator. I talked to him the other day, actually.
TT: I mean, I have beat them six straight times. You’d think those kids would want to come here, to come to a winner. Hell, they went 7-6 last year, it’s not like he is going 10-2 every year.
God: Well, not yet anyway.
TT: You’re not helping.
God: Sorry. Look, why don’t you do something funny, like smoke cigars on their field if you win next year? Or why don’t you get your team to jump all over their logo at midfield – kids today seem to love that. I mean, any way you can humiliate the other team. That makes you a ‘players’ coach.’
TT: I tried all of that when he was at LSU, and it didn’t work. In fact, most of it backfired. Sucked. I hate losing to those coonasses, and I hate losing to that smarmy Saban most of all.
God: Jeez, Tommy, I don’t really know what to tell you.
TT: How about you use that so-called omnipotence to help me out here – you and I have been huntin’ buddies for years, and I could use the help.
God: So-called omnipotence? Don’t piss me off, Tommy.
TT: Yeah, what’re you gonna do? Huh? Get Petrino to take you hunting? Have Jesus sign with Alabama? If he does, tell him to get ready to lose to the Plainsmen!
God: I thought you guys were the Tigers?
TT: Plainsmen, Tigers, War Eagle, whatever! You bring it, Mr. El Shaddai! I’ma smoke a cigar on your grave, punk!
(click)
God: (sigh) Now that’s the Tubs that’ll win some games…
Filed under: Bits | Tagged: Auburn, college, Football, God, Jesus, Plainsmen, SEC, Tigers, Trinitarian doctrine, Tuberville, War Eagle
