An intercepted Letter in Foxboro

February 4, 2008

Dear Mr. Kraft, Coach Belichick, and Tom Brady,

Peyton, Eli and I would like to express our sincere condolences for the Patriots’ loss in Super Bowl XLII.  We know how heartbreaking it can be to lose big games, and we appreciate that things are tough in this dark time.  Our thoughts and prayers are with you as you confront this heretofore unknown sensation.

However, our representatives have brought to our attention that this marks the second year in a row that the Patriots’ season has ended with a loss to a Manning-quarterbacked team.  According to legal professionals working on our behalf, this constitutes a transfer of possession.  In plain language, we own you.

Our representatives will visit your office tomorrow, Mr. Kraft, so that  you can sign the necessary transfer of ownership documents.  You have one (1) week to clean out your office and vacate the premises.  We are also revoking your parking privileges immediately, however.

It is with regret that we announce that effective immediately, Coach Belichick’s employment with the Patriots is terminated.  He can call in and leave a forwarding address where we will send his belongings.

Some other changes are in order.  These are summarized below: the team mascot will now be know as the Archies; the stadium will be known as Manning field; and super-models will now be provide for all the players to impregnate, not just Mr. Brady.

Regarding Mr. Brady’s status, he is to become a backup quarterback to Peyton, and will be forced to play any game of Peyton’s choosing, in the hopes that he will learn to stop choking when he sees a Manning on the other sideline.

We will be in contact with any further changes.  Please apprise us of the progress of those outlined in this letter.

Regards,
Archie Manning

P.S. Eli called Gisele, so could you send her along today, Tom?  Thanks.